She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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