We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
