Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
