I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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