I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dicks are not precious.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
