Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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