I just pynch a tree in the face
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
