also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
