He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
