then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
