The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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