Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
