i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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