I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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