Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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