Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
