I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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