I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
