I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
im calling her cock vulture from now on
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
