If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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