I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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