I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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