I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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