We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
