i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
