do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
