Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
