You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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