if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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