Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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