Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
