While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
