And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
