I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
