Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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