Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
