Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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