Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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