I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
