I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
