look no pants
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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