Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
