This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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