i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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