Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
