I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
