So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
