How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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