ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
