there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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