from now on my penis is your penis
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
