Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
