You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
