Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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