we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
bring money and cleavage
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
